Ian Cohen:
Chinese Democracy Review
[Pitchfork]
Rating: 3.4
It’s time to remove the bandanna from your back pocket, slick back your emo swoop and rip the sleeves off your favorite tight black t-shirt, because Axl Rose is back, and he’s being given a proper review by someone older than fifteen who presumably does not live in his parents’ basement. Sure, the people of Pitchfork would have you believe that they’re too busy picking out the newest horn-rimmed glasses to aim at such easy targets, but Ian Cohen’s half-hearted dig on Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy clearly proves that they’re not. The review is an asteistic sneeze at the Bad Boy Lite of 80’s rock. Sure he’s a blowhard caricature of a time most of us would prefer to forget, but he’s our blowhard.
In the process of diminishing the album’s fizzle of a release, Cohen goes out of his way not to mention Rock Band 2 by name and dismisses the behemoth MySpace, while simultaneously wishing Axl would have evolved. This makes him about as out of touch as Hall and Oates. Axl Rose needs to be heard, and he’s using the best media weapons of the 21st century to make it happen, but he’s not about to change his uninspired, watered-down style. No one’s buying a Guns N’ Roses album to expand their musical taste. In fact, there’s a very good chance no one’s going to buy this Guns N’ Roses album at all.
Perhaps the most disingenuous part of the review is when Mr. Cohen stops bashing the less-than-ceremonial release and attempts to trick us into thinking he’s actually taken the time to listen to Chinese Democracy. He tosses out a few technical terms, demonstrates that he has access to a basic thesaurus, and casually mentions how good Axl’s voice sounds as though the man hasn’t had nearly two decades to sip tea and rest his vocal cords.
By the end, the source of all this bitterness is fairly clear. While Axl is out promoting his newest bit of misery and sharing a free Dr. Pepper with all of America*, Cohen has to sit and pretend he cares about anyone not wearing plaid and tight denim. He misdirects his anger to late-90’s one-hit blunders and slips in a backhanded compliment to power ballads of the 80’s, then name-drops Chuck Klosterman for good measure, because a serious examination of such tripe is clearly below him. If nothing else, the music Eliterati should have taken the last 17 years as an opportunity to realize that soon Gn’R will be gone, which begs the question, who will they have to feel superior to when they don’t have Axl to kick around anymore?
*Sorry, Buckethead and Slash.
Chinese Democracy Review
[Pitchfork]
Rating: 3.4
It’s time to remove the bandanna from your back pocket, slick back your emo swoop and rip the sleeves off your favorite tight black t-shirt, because Axl Rose is back, and he’s being given a proper review by someone older than fifteen who presumably does not live in his parents’ basement. Sure, the people of Pitchfork would have you believe that they’re too busy picking out the newest horn-rimmed glasses to aim at such easy targets, but Ian Cohen’s half-hearted dig on Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy clearly proves that they’re not. The review is an asteistic sneeze at the Bad Boy Lite of 80’s rock. Sure he’s a blowhard caricature of a time most of us would prefer to forget, but he’s our blowhard.
In the process of diminishing the album’s fizzle of a release, Cohen goes out of his way not to mention Rock Band 2 by name and dismisses the behemoth MySpace, while simultaneously wishing Axl would have evolved. This makes him about as out of touch as Hall and Oates. Axl Rose needs to be heard, and he’s using the best media weapons of the 21st century to make it happen, but he’s not about to change his uninspired, watered-down style. No one’s buying a Guns N’ Roses album to expand their musical taste. In fact, there’s a very good chance no one’s going to buy this Guns N’ Roses album at all.
Perhaps the most disingenuous part of the review is when Mr. Cohen stops bashing the less-than-ceremonial release and attempts to trick us into thinking he’s actually taken the time to listen to Chinese Democracy. He tosses out a few technical terms, demonstrates that he has access to a basic thesaurus, and casually mentions how good Axl’s voice sounds as though the man hasn’t had nearly two decades to sip tea and rest his vocal cords.
By the end, the source of all this bitterness is fairly clear. While Axl is out promoting his newest bit of misery and sharing a free Dr. Pepper with all of America*, Cohen has to sit and pretend he cares about anyone not wearing plaid and tight denim. He misdirects his anger to late-90’s one-hit blunders and slips in a backhanded compliment to power ballads of the 80’s, then name-drops Chuck Klosterman for good measure, because a serious examination of such tripe is clearly below him. If nothing else, the music Eliterati should have taken the last 17 years as an opportunity to realize that soon Gn’R will be gone, which begs the question, who will they have to feel superior to when they don’t have Axl to kick around anymore?
*Sorry, Buckethead and Slash.
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